Kingdom Basketball Association

The Kingdom's first week split cleanly down the middle: five teams opened 1–0, five opened 0–1, and nobody needed a tiebreaker to feel something about it.

Pup n' Suds drafted like a team that had read the ending. Nikola Jokić went 1.01, the wheel came back around for Devin Booker at 2.10 and Stephen Curry at 3.01, and Joel Embiid — the night's defining health gamble — fell all the way to 6.10. All four are already in the starting lineup, the Suds are 1–0, and the only entries on their injury report are the two men they drafted knowing the risk: Kon Knueppel and Dereck Lively II sit on IR while the empire hums.

The most impressive win belongs to BOOM! Shockalotta, who are 1–0 while two of their first six picks watch from IR. Paolo Banchero (3.06) and Chet Holmgren are both shelved, Tyrese Haliburton (2.05) currently waits on the bench, and the youngest build in the league — Cade Cunningham at 1.06, then a run of rookies and sophomores — won anyway. If this is what the Shockalotta look like shorthanded, the rest of the Kingdom should enjoy the next few weeks.

And then there is the Glizzy Gobblers riddle. On draft night they built the league's most imposing frontcourt: Victor Wembanyama at 1.02, Alperen Şengün at 2.09, Karl-Anthony Towns at 3.02. One week in: Towns starts, Şengün is on IR — and Wembanyama, all seven-foot-whatever of him, is sitting on the bench while the Gobblers sit at 0–1. There may be a plan. From the outside, the plan is indistinguishable from a cry for help.

Team Ruah lost their opener with Luka Dončić (1.04) and Ivica Zubac both on IR — the league's cruellest Week 1 luck — while Christ The King also start 0–1 despite a starting five of Donovan Mitchell, Jayson Tatum (1.09) and Jaylen Brown, with Brandon Ingram parked on IR. The 1–0 club is rounded out by The REAL Tribal Chief (Giannis Antetokounmpo, the 1.05 pick, starting at centre; Kawhi Leonard on IR — some traditions are sacred), 3Zilla Squad (Kevin Durant and Domantas Sabonis both working UTIL shifts, Jalen Duren and Robert Williams III on IR) and .... Rice and Beans, who are unbeaten with LeBron James, Anthony Davis and Anthony Edwards even while Jaren Jackson Jr. and Jimmy Butler III occupy IR. Team O'Connor (Shai Gilgeous-Alexander at 1.03, Evan Mobley beside him) and CKING (Cooper Flagg at 1.10, Bam Adebayo at centre) complete the 0–1 half — for now.

Start with the strangest scoreline in the Kingdom: Team Ruah 1,226.5, 3Zilla Squad 933.0. Ruah — winless, and playing without Dončić — have posted the highest total in the league this week. 3Zilla, unbeaten and rolling out Durant and Sabonis, are nearly 300 points behind a team whose best player is on IR. Fantasy basketball is a serious and dignified pursuit.

Two matchups pit 1–0 against 1–0. The REAL Tribal Chief lead Pup n' Suds 1,138.5 to 880.5 — the Jokić–Booker–Curry machine has ground to make up against Giannis and Brunson. And the week's heartbeat: .... Rice and Beans 954.0, BOOM! Shockalotta 942.5. Eleven and a half points between two unbeaten teams, one of which is missing Banchero and Holmgren. Somebody leaves this week perfect; somebody leaves with a story.

Elsewhere, the Glizzy Gobblers lead Team O'Connor 1,123.0 to 830.0 — a big week from the frontcourt, and a much-needed one — while Christ The King lead CKING 1,061.5 to 811.0 in the battle to escape the 0–1 half of the table. Both leaders still have to survive the weekend; in this league, 250 points of cushion is a rumour, not a result.